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About Golden Retrievers |
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| Characteristics | General Care | Health Care | Losing a pet |
Grief is an emotion that has touched each of us at some point in our lives. The loss of a pet is as inevitable as the changing of the seasons. Even though you may imagine how horrible such a loss is, the reality is much worse. From the time we acquire our pet it is in the back of our mind that at some point we will have to say good-bye. After such a loss your life will never be normal again, but you will find a new normal.
The loss of a pet should never be minimized; it is the relationship that is mourned. We are closer to our pets and generally spend more time with them than we do the members of our families. People have told me that the pain is the same as when they lost a parent, child or spouse. Give yourself permission to mourn your loss. They are much more than just a pet, they are a part of your heart.
Society is not very supportive when a pet is lost. Often times we will be told to just get another dog when one dies. No one would tell a person to go out and get another spouse right away. Finding support can be difficult, but it is not impossible. Each person you meet is in some stage of mourning. Look for someone that can relate to the devastation that is felt when a pet is lost.
Grief
Shock is one of the primary feelings when loss occurs. Your mind cannot deal with the pain it is experiencing so it shuts down. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to recover. You don’t recover from loss in a week or two weeks. Do not make any major decisions for at least six weeks. Mourning does not have a magical timetable. We all feel grief in our own way. Each loss brings up previous losses and all of the emotions that have been experienced before.
Do what feels good, as long as it is not self-destructive. If having pictures of your loved one around brings you comfort, by all means keep them out. If pictures evoke too much pain, pack them away for a while. Putting away favorite toys, food bowls or beds can be very emotional. Listen to what your heart is telling you. Never say to yourself that what you do is silly - it has been thought and done many times before. Be aware that family members may grieve very differently than you do. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. Allow one another the emotional space to grieve in their own way.
Children and Loss
The age of a child impacts greatly their ability to understand death. Speak in plain and simple terms. Avoid euphemisms, do not speak of “going to sleep” or “running away.” This might result in a child being afraid to sleep or thinking that the pet will return. Mister Rogers has written a book on pet loss that could serve as a resource for the adult. Cynthia Rylant has written a wonderful book, “Dog Heaven.”
Guilt
Playing the “what if” game is very destructive and will not change things. If the loss occurred due to your actions or inaction you must be able to forgive yourself. Your pet loved you very much and would not want to cause you pain.
Even though we are totally responsible for the welfare of our pets we are not gods. We can’t read their minds. Many pets are masters at masking grief or injury; this is their instinct. Do not beat yourself up if you missed a change in behavior or forgot to latch the gate.
If you have been required to euthanize your pet realize that you did the most humane thing for your pet. We are not allowed to relieve the suffering of humans, but we can ease the pain of our pets. It is our responsibility as owners to take charge of our pet’s welfare. Responsibility is not always fun and it requires great courage. Rest assured that when your pet went to the Rainbow Bridge it knew that what you did was out of love.
Memorials
Express your feelings through poems, short stories or drawings. Planting a tree or shrub in your pet’s favorite place is a living memorial. Make a donation so that others may benefit from your loss. Animals in shelters will welcome food and old toys.
Typically the year of firsts is the most difficult. The first birthday, Christmas and anniversary of the loss can be emotionally draining. Pick out the most important traditions and observe them. Grief is physically draining so take good care of yourself. Plan events that are meaningful, but don’t tax yourself physically and emotionally. This is a good time to introduce new traditions or observances. The anticipation of the occasion is quite often more difficult than the actual event. Let your friends and family know that this is a difficult time for you and ask them for support. You may not know what you need, but their mere presence may be enough.
New Pets
Acquiring a new pet can bring about very strong emotions. Wait until you are over the initial shock of the loss. A new pet requires a lot of physical and emotional energy. If you acquire a new pet too soon the new pet will never measure up to the one that was lost. You will find that a puppy is a lot of work. Remember that you have lost the finished model not the one in need of training.
This might be the time to consider a new breed or type of pet. It can be disturbing to have a new pet that reminds you too much of the one that you lost. The name of the new pet should not be too close to the previous pet’s name. Remember that you can never replace what you have lost, but you can find a new love.
If you go to look at a new pet and the feeling is not right walk away. Everyone understands that things have to be right before you make the commitment to own a new pet. If you cry when looking at a litter of puppies, this is a good thing. Tears are healthy and normal. Tears are the souls way of cleansing itself.
Allow yourself to laugh and enjoy your new pet. The fact that you have chosen to acquire a new pet is a testament to love you felt for the one you lost. You have a generous heart and should share it with another pet. There are so many homeless pets that need loving homes.
Impending Loss
If you have just heard bad news about the health of your pet, call a friend and tell them about it. A friend can think of the questions that you were too upset to ask. This is the one time in your life that you should allow others to comfort you. You may have to make some serious decisions quickly and friends can help you decide what you want.
When the inevitable happens you will have to decide what to do with your pet’s remains. Cremation or burial are two options. Most cities will not allow you to bury pets within their jurisdiction. If you move and a pet is buried in the backyard you will no longer have access to the gravesite. Look for well-run and reputable pet cemeteries. Speak with your veterinarian about options in your area.
Take the time to enjoy every moment with your pet. If you can go for walks or sit quietly with your pet. Remember that they enjoy your company and find solace in your presence. Take pictures of your loved one to comfort you later.
If a Friend Experiences Loss
Someone once asked me how to respond to a friend’s loss of a pet. Respond as you would if they had lost a parent or child. Cards, flowers and donations to charity are always welcome at this time. Most often they need someone to tell their story to. Call them and ask them what happened. Repeating the story helps them to relieve their pain and validate their sense of loss. Listening is one of the most valuable gifts you can give a friend. It is important to ask how they are doing months after the loss. Just because the flowers have faded does not mean that their grief has been lessened. On anniversaries and birthdays call and let them know that your are thinking of them.
Life Goes On
There is life after loss and you will survive. The depth of the loss is often directly associated with the type of relationship. If the pet has been with you through life changes or difficult times the loss is a reminder of those times. Accidents do happen in life and unfortunately humans make mistakes. Be gentle with yourself and try to learn from this mistake. One of my losses occurred after a misdiagnosis by our vet. For a long time I felt guilt because somehow I should have known that something was wrong. I had to make the conscious decision to forgive myself, because the guilt would never bring Taffy back.
The instance where a pet has been stolen or lost is one of the most difficult losses to cope with. There is no sense of resolution or closure. Seek counseling from a minister or professional to help you cope. Do not try to imagine what could have happened, often times our imagination is much worse than the reality.
This has been written in memory of Taffy and my boys, Bart and Pete. They are waiting for me at the Bridge along with all of the animals that have touched my life. Until we meet again…
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Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow;
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the mornings hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand by my grave and cry
I am not there. I did not die.
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To My Best Friend
The day the laid you down to sleep
I prayed the Lord your soul he’ll keep.
Until the appointed day and time;
when together we’ll meet and all will be fine.
With all God’s creatures great and small
go run and play now, have a ball
No more aches and no more pain
Just bright sunshine, no more rain.
Rest in peace in Heaven above
cradled in God’s arms covered with his love.
Dream of that special day and time
when we’ll meet at the Bridge one last time.
Although we’ll be separated for such a long time;
we’ll be together then all will be fine.
We’ll cross Rainbow Bridge side by side;
with a soft warm feeling deep down inside.
Once again now all is fine;
we’ll be together forever, until the end of time.
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